Love Is a Canoe Page 9

  “You forget it because she stole it from a famous artist and if you’re anything like me that disgusts you. Her actual name is Jennifer Puddle or something. I see her at yoga. She has flexible hips.”

  “Where do you go?”

  “Kula.”

  “I never see you there,” Emily said. “I’ve been doing a lot of yoga lately.”

  “I do yoga in binges,” Ida said. “Sometimes constantly. Sometimes not at all.”

  “He didn’t tell me he was going to perform,” Emily said.

  Genevieve had long blond hair, tiny lips, and normal eyes. Nothing special there. Still, she was beautiful. So was her husband.

  “Maybe the camera finds something in her that I can’t see,” Emily said.

  “You’re too kind.”

  The actress stood between Eli and her husband and began nodding her head. Trent snapped his fingers. He and Eli looked like bandmates, with their plaid shirts and jeans and longish unkempt hair. Trent had a child’s bongo cradled in the crook of his arm.

  “Everybody get ready!” Trent called out.

  “Are you okay?” Ida asked. “You look a little trembly.”

  “I’m fine. I bet they’re going to announce his new nonprofit now.”

  “Everybody ready?” Eli yelled. The room nodded back at him.

  “Wait, Jenny, come in front,” Genevieve called out.

  Emily felt a stab of something cold between her ribs, as if someone had slipped a piece of ice down her shirt. While Emily and Ida watched, Jenny Alexandretti appeared out of nowhere and made it a foursome. Her dark ringlets were longer than Emily remembered and she had no bra on under her purple dress so she was bouncing all around. Her breasts seemed bigger, too. Everything about her looked bigger than when Emily had first seen her and thought of her as a wet mouse who needed care.

  “Anybody seen my wife?” Eli said.

  “Emily Babson?” Jenny called out. “Are you out there?”

  “You should go to them,” Ida said.

  “He’s just doing that for show. He knows I’d rather die than stand in front of all these people.” Emily held her glass with both hands and took a deep breath.

  “Hang on,” Eli yelled. He parted the crowd and came straight for Emily. “Please?” he asked, when he got to her. “I need you.”

  “I’ll hold your glass,” Ida said, and took it away from Emily.

  “Don’t move, please,” said Emily, looking at Ida. “I need to come back to you.”

  Emily arrived at the front of the room. She had her back to the crowd and she was staring at Trent, tiny-faced Genevieve, and Jenny.

  “Honey, turn around. Stand here next to me,” Eli said.

  “The work wife makes way for the real wife,” Jenny whispered loudly. She added a laugh, a huh-huh noise that felt very pointed and sexy to Emily. Very I prefer men to women.

  “Let’s get started,” Eli said. “We’re here to announce a new pro bono company.”

  “What’s that company called?” Genevieve Winslow-Homer sang out.

  The little group drew closer together. Jenny wrapped her arm around Emily.

  Jenny said, “I haven’t seen you in forever. How are you?”

  “I’m good,” Emily said as her ribs contracted and she fought her urge to see if the tips of Jenny’s fingers were touching Eli’s back. But how could she know? They were all pressed up so close to one another.

  “Urban Bicycle Advocacy!” Eli yelled.

  “Yeah, UBA,” Jenny sang. “And what are we going to do?”

  “Bike to the future!” The crowd called back. There might have been seventy people watching, all of them clapping hands and smiling.

  Eli stepped forward and waved at the crowd. He said, “And I want to introduce you to the president of Urban Bicycle Advocacy, Jenny Alexandretti!”

  And that was when Jenny bumped her. Jenny stepped forward and got her little ass around Emily. Then she bumped Emily so Emily was in the background, with her shoulder blades up against the mantel. It was a subtle move, a barely there knock on Emily’s thigh. Emily felt herself disappear, though she was still onstage. She decided she was imagining that she’d been pushed. But no. She could feel Jenny’s ass pressing against her, holding her back.

  People began to clap. Jenny grabbed Eli’s arm and took a quick bow. Emily looked left and right but saw no way to escape.

  “Thank you all. And may I thank the founder of UBA for my title?” Jenny called. There was more clapping.

  “Oh, shit.” Emily had spoken out loud without meaning to. She covered her mouth. She looked at the back of the room and saw Ida gesture at her, take it easy.

  “Can I hear you sing Urban Bicycle Advocacy,” Genevieve sang. The four of them stood as one in front of Emily, surging forward away from her to connect with the crowd.

  Everyone tried to sing “Urban Bicycle Advocacy…” to the tune of Bob Marley’s “Get Up, Stand Up.” But it didn’t work at all and came out as more of a chant. Trent frowned and tried to find a rhythm on the bongo. A few people turned back toward the bar.

  Emily watched Jenny grab Eli’s hand and squeeze it. She began to whisper, “UBA, UBA.” She used her other hand to bang on her hip. Emily shrank back from another kneading from Jenny’s ass.

  Jenny wailed, “Oo-bah, Oo-bah…”

  That got the crowd’s attention. Soon everybody jumped in, whispering, “UBA, UBA.”

  Emily saw two guys who must have been Rick and Steven race down the stairs from the floor above with their arms full of maracas that Emily imagined they had collected over many trips to different parts of South America. They tossed them into the outstretched arms of the crowd.

  Jenny caught a maraca and began shaking it. Genevieve did, too. Eli began manically playing the banjo and Trent was clapping and singing.

  “Oo-bah, Oo-bah…”

  Eli sang, “Clap your hands and stomp your feet!”

  “Oo-bah, Oo-bah,” Emily mouthed. But she made no sound.

  “Yeah, let’s all bike everywhere and put those cars to shame!”

  “Faster!”

  “Roman Street, Roman Street!”

  Emily locked eyes with Ida and mouthed stay there.

  Eli yelled, “Between all of you and Roman Street we can raise awareness for UBA and then we can all…”

  “Bike to the future!” Genevieve and Jenny jumped in the air.

  The cheers were loud and everyone tried dance in place without scuffing the rugs.

  “Yay!” Jenny hopped on one foot. Then the four of them turned in to one another and did a high five that turned into a group hug while the crowd roared and then turned away, ready for more drinks and food. Emily was still stuck to the mantel.

  “Join us,” Jenny said and flailed a hand at Emily, who shook her head no and motioned at the back of the room, as if to say, it’s okay, I’ve got somewhere over there where I have to be. Emily told herself she wasn’t running back to Ida, but she also felt like it couldn’t be helped if it looked that way. She walked quickly across the room and arrived at the doorway she’d been sharing with Ida.

  “Thanks for sticking around.”

  “It didn’t look so bad,” Ida said with a smile. And Emily was shocked because she’d imagined it hadn’t looked any way at all, and now she knew it must have looked awful. She closed her eyes and swayed and then felt Ida wrap an arm around her back.

  “I’m okay,” Emily whispered. “Look, I don’t want to monopolize you. You must have other friends here.” If Ida left her she would find a bathroom and lock herself in and cry. Her paperback copy of Canoe was in her purse. She would lock herself up with it for five sweet minutes and read the square dancing chapter and cry and then she would either feel better or slip out to the street without anyone noticing and cry some more.

  “Emily. Hey, Emily?” Emily opened her eyes, and looked at Ida. She loved that Ida’s huge eyes were glittering. “I’m filling in the blanks. He made her president without telling you? Is that what
it is?”

  “No, worse. He has a thing with that woman, Jenny. I’m sure of it.”

  “Hang on,” Ida said. She reached around the doorway and came back with a sweating bottle of white wine. She had the cork out in a moment and was refilling their glasses. “It can’t have gone that far if they pulled you in like that. They must want you to, like, interrupt it. I’ve been there. Me and Billy. We’re a good team. It took a long time to get there, though. Other people flirt with you and you flirt back. You get in a fight over something stupid and you don’t have sex for two straight weeks. It happens. But your husband—I can see that he wants you. He’s just a little overexcited, with all the focus that’s on him.”

  “He always gets attention. And we never had problems before but now you’re saying even if…”

  “Yes, even if,” Ida said. “I think he’s looking for you right now.”

  Emily turned her back to the room. She said, “I can’t believe I just found out what’s happening with my husband’s business in a sing-along. Did you see her bump me?”

  “She is a frisky little thing. He’s coming this way,” Ida said.

  “You don’t want to be here for this,” Emily said. She tried but couldn’t keep her cheeks and mouth from tugging down.

  “Wasn’t that amazing?” Eli called out.

  Emily gulped and clamped a hand over the bottom of her face before turning toward her husband.

  “What’d you think? I know. Goofy, right?” Eli looked at their full glasses. “Can I get you two some food? Cheese? I was talking to the caterers earlier and they’ve got some great little things coming out now, on platters.”

  “Yeah, Eli. Really great.” Emily fought to keep her voice flat. “I’m just talking to Ida here. She’s a friend from college.”

  Eli pushed his hair back and then shook hands with Ida. He said, “Ida, really nice to meet you.”

  “Congratulations on Roman Street and the new thing,” Ida said. Eli nodded.

  “We wanted you to be involved,” Eli said to Emily. “I’m happy you got up there with us.”

  “And I’m surprised you’re so far along with this new company. UBA? And Jenny is the president?”

  “Yeah. I told you that. Didn’t I tell you that?”

  “You didn’t.” She gave up and let the anger show on her face. “I think we need to go somewhere and talk,” Emily said.

  Someone called Eli’s name but he kept staring at his wife.

  “Well, I’ve been trying to tell you about it. The final structure is barely three weeks old. And we just came up with a title for Jenny this afternoon, as, like, a thank-you. You know, ’cause we can’t pay a lot because it’s nonprofit but we can hand over this big title.” Eli tried a laugh. “Don’t you think that’s smart?”

  “There’s a garden.” Ida touched Emily’s shoulder. “You go straight out that way, through the kitchen.” Ida’s eyes were impossibly wide and she looked straight at Emily. “It was good to see you. Let’s get drinks soon and we can talk more.”

  “I would love that,” Emily said. “I’ll e-mail you.”

  “I have to go back to the party now,” Eli said.

  “Wait,” Emily said to Eli. She gripped his arm. “We need to talk more.” She hugged Ida goodbye without letting go of Eli. “The garden. Let’s go there now.”

  “Why?” Eli asked. “Why now?”

  Emily pulled at Eli’s hand and whispered, “Give me five minutes.”

  “Okay, okay.”

  They walked quickly through the kitchen, past the waiters who were laying out trays of chicken satay and topping triangles of toast with beef or cheese and an asparagus tip, and down the iron-railed steps into the dark garden. Emily shivered in the sudden cool of the empty garden and wished she hadn’t given away her coat. The garden was long and rectangular and made up of two blue slate paths and wooden benches and little trees. She could hear cars rushing by on Greene Avenue. Emily found her footing and faced her husband.

  She said, “You didn’t tell me you were going to have her run UBA.”

  “I thought I just explained this?” Eli looked over her head at the bright kitchen windows and the noise of the party.

  Emily felt electricity in her lips. She said, “You did something with her in L.A. I know you did.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I know you did something. When you went there last month. I can feel it. I saw the text.”

  “You don’t understand. That was, like, that was like a hug.”

  “A hug? Why are you using that word?”

  Eli sighed. “We had a thing.”

  “A thing? Would you care to be one iota more specific?”

  “I want to. Listen, I do. But at the same time, let’s not get into specifics,” Eli said. “It was basically less than what you think it was.” Eli put his hands on her forearms. She shook him away. “Look, Emily, it would’ve been selfish to tell you. It would have made it bigger than it was.”

  “So you hid it?”

  She watched him take a long breath. And in that breath she imagined that she could see how he had been in this position before, if not with other wives, then other girlfriends. He said, “You’re right. You’re right about everything and I am totally sorry and that is the worst thing I ever did and I am sorry.”

  “Hiding it didn’t work so now you’re admitting it?”

  “This thing that happened when me and her were drunk? That was like a hug? A hug. Yeah. I mean, this is not the place to talk about it. I feel awful. But Emily, it happened because things were going well for the business. It was stupid, like a high five. I’m embarrassed to even be talking about it.”

  “A high five? Really, Eli? And now all you do is see her and plan things with her, and you lie to me and hide from me! Shit! Something’s been wrong all summer!”

  “All summer? That is not true! Please. I feel terrible about what happened and you are right and I’m sorry! I am sorry. But the two things are not related. UBA is hers. She found the investors and I’m just helping out. Look, don’t make this bigger than it is.”

  “Make it bigger? Are you kidding me?”

  “I said I’m sorry! You want to decide what’s okay and what isn’t. And then it doesn’t matter in the end because nothing is okay according to you.” He pushed his eyebrows together and shook his head. “I kind of hate that, that you do that.”

  “What? Now you hate how I am?”

  “No. Forget it. Let’s not ruin tonight, please?” She watched him try out a pleading smile. He said, “We can spend however long talking about what happened and I can swear I’ll never do it again. I fucked up and I know that. I don’t know what you saw in a text but nothing bad happened. Just let’s not talk about it tonight, okay?”

  “Eli?” A man looked down at them from the open kitchen door.

  “Rick, I hear you, man,” Eli said. “I know I need to be up there.”

  “We have to do another toast. The Neubergers came after all with some other people and so another quick toast is really important. Hi, Emily.”

  “Okay, okay,” Eli said.

  “Please give us a minute,” Emily said.

  “This toast is important,” Rick said before closing his kitchen door.

  Eli paced away from Emily, toward the back of the garden. She could see him touch the vines growing up the fence. It was darker back there than she thought the city should ever be.

  “I can’t believe this is happening,” Emily said. “You don’t see the emergency. You don’t even know how big of a deal this is. Your mind can’t even compute it.”

  “I do see! And I will. But look, if you really love me, give me some time right now, okay? Give me the time to do right by this party and then I am all about you. I owe you everything. I know that. And I love you.”

  “Owe me?” She dropped her head to one side. “What do you mean? We’re married. It’s not about owing me. Please—” She walked to the back of the garden and felt her way a
long the fence and found him. She reached out and touched his frowning face. His breath was hot and she could feel the sweat on his cheek and neck.

  “How did we get here?” he asked. “I don’t want this to be happening and neither do you. But right now? Give me the time I need now. And then we’ll fix this thing, I promise.”

  “What happened is a big deal, Eli. I’m really hurt. Really fucking hurt.”

  “Look, I know. I want to focus on you. But I need to go back to the party now. Just for another hour, okay?”

  He reached forward and kissed her on the lips before she could move. Then he turned and took several long steps through the garden. She thought he looked like a deer leaping across streams. No, not a deer. He was a satyr. No, he was the devil himself. He grabbed the stair rail and launched himself up the steps and was at the kitchen door. Once he was up there, safely far away from her, he turned. She couldn’t see his expression. She was sure he hadn’t said anything. He slipped into the house and left the door swinging open behind him. Emily listened to a burst of clapping.

  She looked up at the light shining from the tall kitchen windows and heard a surge of noise from the party. She turned and threaded her fingers through the fencing and the vines. There was only the one way out of the garden and that was up the stairs, through the door, and back through the kitchen. She would have to walk through those crowded rooms.

  “Eli?” she whispered to herself. “You went back to the party?”

  The garden was quiet. There was only the sound of idling engines in the street. She covered her mouth with her hand and wrapped her other arm around her chest. She stared up at the bright dancing light that streamed through the windows of the house.

  From Marriage Is a Canoe, Chapter 3, Marriage and Intimacy

  Out on the porch at about five o’clock one afternoon, after we’d been on the lake for hours without a catch, I sat with my legs swinging and whittled a stick. Pop had given me a three-inch pocket knife with a pearl handle and I’d taken to whittling little sticks with an eye toward eventually assembling a miniature raft.

  I could hear Pop and Bess moving about behind me in the kitchen. I didn’t know what they were doing. I was bored the way boys are bored when they say they are bored but they mean something deeper: confused, adrift. Though at least I had it in me to whittle.